So I'm almost done this challenge. It seems so long ago that Sherry and I talked about starting this blog, but it was less than three weeks ago! CRAZY!
So I apologize. (Again, can you tell I'm Canadian?) I'm really bad with keeping up with blogging. But also I have been really not in the best moods lately. People around me can't tell. I try really hard to not be cranky with people. But on the inside I have just been a bit of a 'Debbie Downer'.
So I want to be open with you guys, it's not really anything to do with why I made this blog, but hey, who cares? So when I was younger, like 13 years old I was all 'emo' and I don't really know what exactly was going through my head but I was super depressed and just choosing not to be happy. (Man looking back all I can think is, wow I wasted too much of my life being unhappy) But you know what is so silly is that during this time I had like no friends. And so as I got older I was like, hmm I have no friends maybe its because I'm so depressed all the time (um... duh?) and so I changed completely. I turned into this person who was happy all the time, even when life sucked I would fake it and just be super happy. Well it didn't take long for me to make a lot of friends, because I was this super fun energetic always ready to party person. I made everyone feel included and would cheer people up all the time. So in my head I got to thinking that if I am sad I will have no friends so it became impossible for me to be upset because I was worried I would never have friends and people wouldn't like me unless I was always happy.
Well two years ago I moved to Spain and met these seven amazing people that I lived with for six months and for about the first three months I was happy all the time. I never wanted to be upset because I was worried these people wouldn't like me. In our fourth month we were going on a month long trip to India. We were going to be there over my birthday. So the week of my birthday we had just arrived in Manali, India and someone had said something to me. (though they never said or meant what I took from that conversation this is what it led me to believe) After that conversation with them I remember going to my room and crying myself to sleep because all I could think is, my life has no purpose. I have no reason to live. I woke up the next day and told everyone I was feeling really sick and was going to spend the day in bed. I was sick, but not physically sick. I became mentally sick that week. I remember spending that first day in my bed and I thought I wonder what would happen if I took a whole bottle of advil, or maybe I could cut myself with a razor. I actually thought about killing myself because I felt like I really had no reason to be alive. If it wasn't for my super intense fear of pain I probably would have hurt myself. So instead of physically hurting myself I just didn't eat for almost five days and drank only water.
I remember feeling so incredibly alone and not being able to tell anyone what I was going through because I didn't want people to not accept me because I wasn't happy, so I just stayed in my room alone telling everyone I was just too sick to do anything. Finally on I think the fourth day, I went down to supper and just kind of pushed my food around on my plate not eating anything and one of the guys I was with asked me what was wrong. I tried to smile and say nothing I just wasn't feeling well. But he looked at me and said, no, I know you. Something is wrong, what is wrong? and my eyes watered over and I just told him everything I had been thinking about and going through that week. He just held me as I cried and then he asked why I hadn't told anyone. I told him that I didn't want people to know anything was wrong because I didn't want them to stop liking me. For the next week someone stayed with me at all times of the day. Someone slept in the room with me, someone would stay home with me when everyone else went out and I was just showered in love by this group of people who loved me. A month later I was still struggling a little bit with feeling like I had no reason to live still, and I asked two people that I was living with, if I wasn't happy all the time would they still love me. And I will remember the moments that followed for the rest of my life, they both just hugged me and told me that they would always love me, they didn't care if I was angry, or sad, or bursting with laughter. they loved me for me, and that meant even when I wasn't in the best mood. And it was in that moment something broke in my life.
See, up till that point every time I was acting happy but inside something was wrong I felt like such a fake person. And I hated feeling fake. My happiness felt fake. But knowing people would care about me if I was happy or not allowed me to have the freedom to be upset, and that allowed me to be truly happy. It has not been easy. But in the two years since then I have learned to show people the real me. I have learned to trust people and show them when I am hurting, but to also truly be happy and enjoy life with these people. See now people still think I am a super fun, happy energetic, always ready to party type of person, but they know I am real and that sometimes life can just suck. I have some amazing friends around me that truly care about me, and because of my time in Spain I have made life long friends all around the world.
I guess my encouragement to you guys would be that as a friend of someone you need to be accepting of that person, and you need to accept all of that person. If you are really someone's friend you will be excited for them when they are excited and you will cry with them when they are hurting. See if it wasn't for my friend asking me what was wrong that day in India, I might still be struggling with thinking I can never show people the real me still. There are a lot of lonely people in the world that need real friends to just love them. Be the listening ear that people are needing, and it is so easy. It can be as easy as asking someone how they are, and being willing to wait for their response.
Lets show some love this week, you have no idea what the people around you might be going through. You might be the person that can save someone's life.
I hope my story encourages some of you. If you are thinking that you are alone, STOP, I guarantee you that there are people around who care. If you really feel like there is no one, leave me a message. Because I have been there I KNOW how it feels to think you are alone. You aren't! I would love to hear your story. I would love to hear how you are doing.
As well I hope that my story encourages you to be the friend that is willing to listen to other people. Love is the movement!
Infinite x's and o's
Allysin
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