#timetobehonest

Buenas Dias Guapos!

I'm just throwing in a bit of my time in Spain, using the little spanish I remember! So how has everyone been? I hope everyone has had an incredible week. My week has been good. At times hard, but mostly good.

In my last post I talked about having to make tough decisions and I'm going to be honest with you guys, I avoided decision making, which was probably the wrong decision. But, you can only avoid life for so long before you're forced to deal with it. Luckily for me, when I finally had to make a decision it worked out well, and I get a happy ending out of it. I'm really grateful, but I also know that not everyone has that same experience. But I hope that you find the strength in yourself to face the tough situations in life, and don't be a coward like me! I BELIEVE IN YOU GUYS!

So thats just an update after my last entry. But what I actually want to write about this time is completely unrelated. It is really personal, and I don't really tell many people about this. But it is time for me to start opening up and being honest, so here we go. 

This past week I was talking with someone and they told me they thought I was hostile. Now, you have to understand I pride myself on being a happy, energetic, fun person to be around. So I didn't really believe them, so I asked if they were serious and they said yes. They thought I was hostile to keep out any genuine relationships from developing. This was a complete shot to my heart. It was like some took a knife and stabbed me. And the more I thought about the comment, the more I realized it was true. Now when I say hostile, I don't mean an angry person who hates everyone and is miserable to be around. I'm just very sarcastic. But why do I do this? Maybe it is a way to keep people distant. Don't get me wrong I long for meaningful relationships, but in my experience, eventually people leave your life. The people who promised to always be there, disappear. Close friends eventually become distant, and thats just life. So instead of becoming close with people and then having to say goodbyes or ... never getting the chance to say goodbye, I just don't let them in. I allow people into my life so far, and then I cut them off. Its a protection method so I don't get hurt. But I've hurt a lot people by being this way. And it leaves me being really lonely, and always waiting for relationships and friendships to end. Trusting people isn't really something I do. I'm not really sure how to overcome this. I want to be able to get close to people, but I'm too scared to let people really get to know me. 

Anyone have an suggestions on how to get over this?

I don't really expect an answer or anything. But I just want to start being honest and start taking steps to being an open and transparent individual.

Leave a comment and let me know how you are with your friendships.

Infinite x's and o's

-A

#sometimeslifeisjusthard

Good day all you beautiful people!

I know you probably all thought I died or something because its been so long since I wrote. Well the truth is I am alive so you can all stop panicking.
So contrary to what the title of this blog says my life is actually going really well. My last entry I wrote about how my mom had been diagnosed with skin cancer. Well she had surgery and the doctors believe they removed it all but she will continue to go for check ups just to be sure. I am so grateful to God that he was with my mom through this time.
I finished last semester well and received all B+ or A's so I am very pleased with that. I am a bit of a perfectionist so I'm disappointed I didn't receive all A's but I also know that I am happy with the marks I received.
Christmas time was fantastic, I went to Florida with my family and just enjoyed some time away, and then the rest of Christmas break was spent relaxing. Then I returned to school this semester and moved into my first apartment. It has been quite the adjustment for me. You have to understand I love people so much, so living on campus for me was the best because I was with people ALL THE TIME. So there have been times this semester I have felt really lonely, just adjusting to not being around people all the time anymore. But I live with three incredible women and I love them and they're so great! And I'm really happy I get to live with them. So far school is going well this semester and I think I am going to really enjoy all my classes.
So... if everything is going to great why is my entry talking about how life is hard?

Well.. because its true. Sure if you were to look at my life it looks great. It looks like everything is going so well. I have it all together. But I think everyone can act. Everyone can pretend life is going well. But what is actually going on inside?
If everything is going well, why is it I keep having nightmares every night about someone I care about dying? Or myself dying?
If everything is going well, why is it I still feel like I'm going through life alone?
Why am I faced with tough decisions where there doesn't seem to be a right answer, or at least an answer where no one gets hurt?
Why does it feel like as I gain one friend I lose three?
Well I've come to the conclusion that although overall I'm doing alright, and life really isn't so bad and a lot of people have it a lot harder than me, that life is still just hard.
I watched Remember the Titans the other day and Coach Boone was talking with his wife and she says to him, "sometimes life is just hard, for no reason at all".
And I think thats where I'm at. Sometimes life is just hard, sometimes you're faced with hard decisions and hard situations and you're thinking to yourself WHY! Why am I facing this? Why do I have to go through this? And the answer sucks, but its the truth, sometimes life is hard for absolutely no reason at all.

So I want to encourage you guys, whatever hard situation/decision you are facing today, you are not alone. There is a world of people feeling the same way you do. And just so you know it is okay to not be okay. It's okay to not have your whole life together. My quote for today which is helping me get through this is "do not give up what you want most, for what you want now". I know that in the moment life can seem tempting, but remember your dreams for your life and keep moving towards those.

Infinite x's and o's
-A