#insecurity

I think a lot...
          So I think a lot. The problem is I don't share it all, so then my brain always feels like it's going to explode. Now if you talk to anyone I know they'll all tell you I talk a lot, and it's true, I do talk a lot. But the sad thing is....although I talk a lot I never share what is in my brain, or my heart. To be honest I guess I don't want to share it because I'm scared people are going to judge me and think what I'm thinking is stupid. I'm pretty good at pretending I don't care what people think about me, but truth is I worry about it all the time. Even people I don't like, I want them to like me. I just don't want anyone to ever be angry with me, or dislike me. But it's so sad because then I never build good friendships because I'm too scared to open up to anyone. I never feel like I can just be myself with people. I try, and I give myself all these pep talks about just being myself... but it's just too hard. Sometimes I'm not even sure who I am anymore... But it's moments when I'm alone and allow myself to just think that I truly know who I am.

          When I see myself like that I see myself more as a really innocent, naive girl, who knows nothing about life. The truth is I really like to be taken care of. For instance, I have a part time job and that sometimes requires me to work until 11:00 p.m. So it's a little late, and I have to walk half an hour to get back to my dorm room, so I have someone come meet me after work so I don't have to walk home alone. I tell the people who come that it's because I'm scared of walking alone at night. And it's totally true, I am scared, and I feel bad because it's so inconvenient for my friends to come and meet me, but I honestly cannot get over this enough to just walk home myself. I'm sure nothing bad would happen, but I want to be taken care of.

            I've mentioned in a previous blog that I was in Spain, I lived there for 5 months and spent 1 month in India. I've travelled to other countries as well. Truth is for someone who is 20 years old it would seem that I have had a lot of life experience. But when it comes to actually doing things for myself I feel like I don't know how to do anything. I just feel so helpless, and clueless sometimes. Both of which I have been called before. (I don't really think thats a compliment...)

           Anyways my point of all of this is that I feel very... vulnerable. I feel weak. Part of me really doesn't like this feeling, I just want to be independent and be able to take care of myself...but this other part of me feels so incredibly lost and helpless.

           I need a space where I can be honest. I need to be able to release some of my thoughts out of my brain. And I feel like I don't have anyone in my life that I can just be myself with, so I guess this is the place to do it. I envy the people who just freely talk with people, I just get so nervous and stumble over my words and the conversation just doesn't flow. I wish I could be open with people, I just don't know how to be....

I want to share all these thoughts I have in my brain with someone.....I guess I'm just waiting for the right person to come so I can share all this stuff with these people. I think sometimes I seem shallow or like all I want to do is joke around, but it's just because I don't know how to have a serious conversation with people because I'm not sure how to share my thoughts or feelings because I'm too nervous they're going to judge me for them...

What should I do?? Anyone have any advice for me??
Infinite x's and o's
Allysin