#thoughts

Have you ever...

                       tried to escape your own thoughts? Have you ever put your headphones in and turned the music up really loud to try and clear your head? Have you ever gone for a run, almost as if you're trying to run away from your thoughts? Have you sat in the shower and allowed the water to just rush over your head, as if you're trying to wash away everything happening in your mind? Do you have keep yourself so busy, that you're just too tired to think? Or have you ever kept yourself awake so late that you fall asleep as soon as you get into bed, just so you won't have time to think?

             If you have, you're not alone. I have had my fair share of times doing this. Not all the thoughts are bad, but just thoughts I don't want to deal with. Ones that I know I should, just I'm not ready to. But how can you possibly escape from yourself? Eventually your thoughts catch up with you. The music doesn't stop you from thinking, you can't ran far enough or long enough to ever escape yourself, a shower only cleans your body and not your mind, no matter how tired or busy you keep yourself there always seems to be a little bit of space in your head for those thoughts.

           I have put off thinking for waaaay too long, and now it's all catching up with me. And I need to deal with it. So I feel like another post is coming soon because I'm really going to need a place to allow my thoughts to come out.

            You know it's almost funny how I wanted to be able to be open and honest and thats what I was going to use this blog for, and yet even though these are just words typed onto a computer I have a hard time being transparent, even here. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to think that I won't be judged for my thoughts, opinions, or even questions. I think sometimes it's because I can be really judgemental and I just assume everyone else is secretly just as judgemental as I am.

            Anyways keep your eyes open I'm sure a new blog post is just around the corner.

Infinite x's and o's
Allysin

#insecurity

I think a lot...
          So I think a lot. The problem is I don't share it all, so then my brain always feels like it's going to explode. Now if you talk to anyone I know they'll all tell you I talk a lot, and it's true, I do talk a lot. But the sad thing is....although I talk a lot I never share what is in my brain, or my heart. To be honest I guess I don't want to share it because I'm scared people are going to judge me and think what I'm thinking is stupid. I'm pretty good at pretending I don't care what people think about me, but truth is I worry about it all the time. Even people I don't like, I want them to like me. I just don't want anyone to ever be angry with me, or dislike me. But it's so sad because then I never build good friendships because I'm too scared to open up to anyone. I never feel like I can just be myself with people. I try, and I give myself all these pep talks about just being myself... but it's just too hard. Sometimes I'm not even sure who I am anymore... But it's moments when I'm alone and allow myself to just think that I truly know who I am.

          When I see myself like that I see myself more as a really innocent, naive girl, who knows nothing about life. The truth is I really like to be taken care of. For instance, I have a part time job and that sometimes requires me to work until 11:00 p.m. So it's a little late, and I have to walk half an hour to get back to my dorm room, so I have someone come meet me after work so I don't have to walk home alone. I tell the people who come that it's because I'm scared of walking alone at night. And it's totally true, I am scared, and I feel bad because it's so inconvenient for my friends to come and meet me, but I honestly cannot get over this enough to just walk home myself. I'm sure nothing bad would happen, but I want to be taken care of.

            I've mentioned in a previous blog that I was in Spain, I lived there for 5 months and spent 1 month in India. I've travelled to other countries as well. Truth is for someone who is 20 years old it would seem that I have had a lot of life experience. But when it comes to actually doing things for myself I feel like I don't know how to do anything. I just feel so helpless, and clueless sometimes. Both of which I have been called before. (I don't really think thats a compliment...)

           Anyways my point of all of this is that I feel very... vulnerable. I feel weak. Part of me really doesn't like this feeling, I just want to be independent and be able to take care of myself...but this other part of me feels so incredibly lost and helpless.

           I need a space where I can be honest. I need to be able to release some of my thoughts out of my brain. And I feel like I don't have anyone in my life that I can just be myself with, so I guess this is the place to do it. I envy the people who just freely talk with people, I just get so nervous and stumble over my words and the conversation just doesn't flow. I wish I could be open with people, I just don't know how to be....

I want to share all these thoughts I have in my brain with someone.....I guess I'm just waiting for the right person to come so I can share all this stuff with these people. I think sometimes I seem shallow or like all I want to do is joke around, but it's just because I don't know how to have a serious conversation with people because I'm not sure how to share my thoughts or feelings because I'm too nervous they're going to judge me for them...

What should I do?? Anyone have any advice for me??
Infinite x's and o's
Allysin

#newbeginnings

Have you ever wanted to be able to start over?
           if you had the chance to start your life over, and do everything again would you? Or do you like the way your life has turned out? I know lots of people say that they wouldn't change anything because every decision has led them right to where they are today, and formed them into the person they are today. I think thats great and all... but what if you didn't like the person you are today? Would you want to start over then?

I think back on my life and there are definitely moments in my life that I wish I could re-do, maybe take advantage more of the time I had with certain people, time I can never get back. Definitely some moments I possibly wish I hadn't had.

There's a video out there called "Dear 16 yr. old me" It's actually an awareness video for Melanoma Skin Cancer. I love the video and I encourage everyone to check it out, I thought it was such a a good idea for a campaign. But what I love the most is the idea of if you could tell the 16 year old version of yourself anything... what would you tell you? There is a lot I wish I could tell my younger self, a lot I would warn myself about. But you can never go back in time, you can never send that message to your younger self. But you can tell yourself now. If you want to have a different life, if you want to be a different person than you are now. Then what are you waiting for? Stop wishing you were different, start taking steps towards being the person you wish you were.

AND STOP PROCRASTINATING!
Honestly! (I can be pretty bad though) But seriously how many times have you told yourself that tomorrow you'll do something. Well I have a question for you...
WHY NOT TODAY?
And here you go starting to make a list of excuses, "reasons", you can't start right now. But the truth is "Yesterday, you said tomorrow" Well Tomorrow is now today, don't put it off another day. If you want to spend more time with your family.... SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY! Take it from me, your family probably wants to spend more time with you too.
If you want to get in shape for summer, go get in shape for summer. If you want to get better marks, start studying, if you want to have more friends start talking to more people. If you want to see the world change, start doing something about it!
STOP WISHING AND START DOING!


See it's spring time where I am. And I LOVE spring! I really do! I think it's because it feels like everything comes to life again. It feels like new beginnings. If there is ever a time that inspires me to go out and become the person I want to be it's spring.

So as I start taking steps in becoming the person I want to be, I want you to start taking steps to being the person YOU want to be!

Infinite x's and o's
Allysin

Oh P.S. My sister has her own photography business and I got to be one of her models for her Spring 2012 kick off... I suggest everyone checks out her stuff.. Not only to see how beautiful I am.. (JUST KIDDING I'M NOT THAT CONCEDED!) But to also check out how amazingly incredibly talented she is! So click on the link and check out all her awesome stuff!

R.L. WOOD PHOTOGRAPHY

Here is a sample....

#FINISHED

WOOT WOOT!
          SO I'm little late writing this blog but I have been SUPER SUPER busy this weekend! But it's all good news right now! BECAUSE I AM ALL DONE THIS 21 DAY CHALLENGE! To be honest I haven't always encouraged people everyday, that I consciously remember, BUT looking back at a month ago, and looking at myself now, I really do see a difference in how I look at people and think about people. I definitely have a better attitude in general. I even feel like this has change how i look at life. Because it really made me look for positive things in situations that did not seem positive. But I think even in the toughest situations there is good, you might not see it right away, or even months after, but I think eventually you can look back at situations in your life and you'll find some good in it, although sometimes you might have to look harder than other times.

So I'm not quite ready to say goodbye to this blog. I actually kind of enjoy the idea of blogging. So I think I'm going to continue for a little bit. I can't promise I'll blog often. But I will try to blog often enough that you won't forget about me haha!

Keep your eyes open I'll be posting something soon!

Infinite x's and o's
Allysin

#almostthere

Only five more days!
           So I'm almost done this challenge. It seems so long ago that Sherry and I talked about starting this blog, but it was less than three weeks ago! CRAZY!

So I apologize. (Again, can you tell I'm Canadian?) I'm really bad with keeping up with blogging. But also I have been really not in the best moods lately. People around me can't tell. I try really hard to not be cranky with people. But on the inside I have just been a bit of a 'Debbie Downer'.

So I want to be open with you guys, it's not really anything to do with why I made this blog, but hey, who cares? So when I was younger, like 13 years old I was all 'emo' and I don't really know what exactly was going through my head but I was super depressed and just choosing not to be happy. (Man looking back all I can think is, wow I wasted too much of my life being unhappy) But you know what is so silly is that during this time I had like no friends. And so as I got older I was like, hmm I have no friends maybe its because I'm so depressed all the time (um... duh?) and so I changed completely. I turned into this person who was happy all the time, even when life sucked I would fake it and just be super happy. Well it didn't take long for me to make a lot of friends, because I was this super fun energetic always ready to party person. I made everyone feel included and would cheer people up all the time. So in my head I got to thinking that if I am sad I will have no friends so it became impossible for me to be upset because I was worried I would never have friends and people wouldn't like me unless I was always happy.

Well two years ago I moved to Spain and met these seven amazing people that I lived with for six months and for about the first three months I was happy all the time. I never wanted to be upset because I was worried these people wouldn't like me. In our fourth month we were going on a month long trip to India. We were going to be there over my birthday. So the week of my birthday we had just arrived in Manali, India and someone had said something to me. (though they never said or meant what I took from that conversation this is what it led me to believe) After that conversation with them I remember going to my room and crying myself to sleep because all I could think is, my life has no purpose. I have no reason to live. I woke up the next day and told everyone I was feeling really sick and was going to spend the day in bed. I was sick, but not physically sick. I became mentally sick that week. I remember spending that first day in my bed and I thought I wonder what would happen if I took a whole bottle of advil, or maybe I could cut myself with a razor. I actually thought about killing myself because I felt like I really had no reason to be alive. If it wasn't for my super intense fear of pain I probably would have hurt myself. So instead of physically hurting myself I just didn't eat for almost five days and drank only water.

I remember feeling so incredibly alone and not being able to tell anyone what I was going through because I didn't want people to not accept me because I wasn't happy, so I just stayed in my room alone telling everyone I was just too sick to do anything. Finally on I think the fourth day, I went down to supper and just kind of pushed my food around on my plate not eating anything and one of the guys I was with asked me what was wrong. I tried to smile and say nothing I just wasn't feeling well. But he looked at me and said, no, I know you. Something is wrong, what is wrong? and my eyes watered over and I just told him everything I had been thinking about and going through that week. He just held me as I cried and then he asked why I hadn't told anyone. I told him that I didn't want people to know anything was wrong because I didn't want them to stop liking me. For the next week someone stayed with me at all times of the day. Someone slept in the room with me, someone would stay home with me when everyone else went out and I was just showered in love by this group of people who loved me. A month later I was still struggling a little bit with feeling like I had no reason to live still, and I asked two people that I was living with, if I wasn't happy all the time would they still love me. And I will remember the moments that followed for the rest of my life, they both just hugged me and told me that they would always love me, they didn't care if I was angry, or sad, or bursting with laughter. they loved me for me, and that meant even when I wasn't in the best mood. And it was in that moment something broke in my life.

See, up till that point every time I was acting happy but inside something was wrong I felt like such a fake person. And I hated feeling fake. My happiness felt fake. But knowing people would care about me if I was happy or not allowed me to have the freedom to be upset, and that allowed me to be truly happy. It has not been easy. But in the two years since then I have learned to show people the real me. I have learned to trust people and show them when I am hurting, but to also truly be happy and enjoy life with these people. See now people still think I am a super fun, happy energetic, always ready to party type of person, but they know I am real and that sometimes life can just suck. I have some amazing friends around me that truly care about me, and because of my time in Spain I have made life long friends all around the world.

I guess my encouragement to you guys would be that as a friend of someone you need to be accepting of that person, and you need to accept all of that person. If you are really someone's friend you will be excited for them when they are excited and you will cry with them when they are hurting. See if it wasn't for my friend asking me what was wrong that day in India, I might still be struggling with thinking I can never show people the real me still. There are a lot of lonely people in the world that need real friends to just love them. Be the listening ear that people are needing, and it is so easy. It can be as easy as asking someone how they are, and being willing to wait for their response.

Lets show some love this week, you have no idea what the people around you might be going through. You might be the person that can save someone's life.

I hope my story encourages some of you. If you are thinking that you are alone, STOP, I guarantee you that there are people around who care. If you really feel like there is no one, leave me a message. Because I have been there I KNOW how it feels to think you are alone. You aren't! I would love to hear your story. I would love to hear how you are doing.
As well I hope that my story encourages you to be the friend that is willing to listen to other people. Love is the movement!
Infinite x's and o's
Allysin